The football kicker. They are the NFL's closers, I guess. The rightful scapegoats. Fans of the hometown team often ask: "Could I beat him up in a bar? Would his teammates even care? Let's do this?"

I cannot tell you how many times a kicker has cost me the glory of a free fantasy football championship. It's probably less than three. Like that time I drafted Robbie Gould, and all he did was kick two extra points. Remember that? That sucked. Sure Steven Jackson was out for the season, but Robbie Gould CHOSE not to perform, as kickers often do. They are vessels of deserved rage. I once saw a kicker set a zoo on fire.

I am here to help you avoid the swift kick in the cornbeef hash, and set you straight with my placekicking primer.

Read more or else

Kickers w/byes:

Are these kickers worth holding? Personally, I wouldn't be caught dead with two kickers on my roster. Then again, I'm not ready to die. I'll play devil's child attorney with this one.

Rob Bironas - Great fake field goal candidate. AHAHAHAHA. Just kidding. You can't drop him fast enough.

Matt Prater - He's 2-4 on field goals of 30-39 yards. Excuse me a second....I think I'm going to be sick.

Jason Hanson - Whatever. He plays indoors. I mean during his bye he's going to play XBox inside his house and dream of being traded to the Saints.

Josh Scobee - Normally, I would drop Josh Scobee.

Olindo Mare - Thanks for the laugh.

Steven Hauschka - Five field goals for the highest scoring team in the AFC?! One of the most enraging sentence fragments I've ever typed.

Active Kicker Rankings:

26. Billy Cundiff / Phil Dawson - Among other things, like sucking, the Browns are stricken with a spoonful of flu. As if that's not bad enough, the sucking still remains, and they are playing the Green Bay Packers. The Packers have allowed only four field goals all year. Plus, the Browns may whip out the kicker by committee because Eric Mangini is bored and needs public ways to prove his coaching worth. KICKER CONTROVERSY today on "The Trey Wingo looks like an Ostrich NFL Show."

25. Shane Andrus - The team decided to drop Mike Nugent after he opted to use the crab soccer approach to kicking(1-5 on FGs 30-49). Damn, remember him? A lot of hype coming out of Ohio State, and he can't amount to a plateau of beans.

Shane Andrus is equally not worth anyone's time.

24. Ryan Succop - He's not bad. He was Mister Irrelevant in the last draft, which always ends up working out great in the end. I just feel San Diego is going to be pissed. Plus his name, get it?

23. Josh Brown - The Colts are coming to town, and according to yahoo, as of 10-25-2009, Josh Brown doesn't exist.

22. Jeff Reed/Ryan Longwell (tie) - The wind in the Steel City is the stuff of legends. It has been soothsayed that when the wind blows its hardest, Terry Bradshaw's wedding ring flies away. Rimshot. Here we have two good kickers going against Mother (shut your mouth) Nature. Visiting kickers are 1-for-3 at Heinz in three games. That's a 1/3-for-1 average, and I know the NFL rule book won't allow for fractional points. Your crappy office fantasy league sure will though. That, and two kickers. FULL CIRCLE.

20. Sebastian Janikowski - The Jets defense is stingy against the run. The Oakland offense is stingy against the pass. This shall be the stingiest stingies of the last fortnight. The NFL's preeminent bad boy will find slim pickens in this defensive battle. And no, Slim Pickens is not a type of liquor. He would find that immediately. Rimshot.

19. Shayne Graham/Dan Carpenter/ Jason Elam/John Kasay/Kris Brown (tie) - Here we have the underperforming five, not to be confused with the Jackson Five or Rammstein, which in German means "five German dudes." On second thought, Dan Carpenter is having a really nice season; HOWEVAH, I needed a fifth to complete my extremely lazy joke. The other four have made five field goals or less on the season, surprising for offenses in Atlanta, Houston, and Cincinnati. Occasionally, Carolina will reach field goal range, but that's quickly followed by Jake Delhomme square dancing his way to a turnover. You'd think I'd link to a video of Jake Delhomme square dancing. To you I say, it's the internet, not the.....miracle factory.

The rest:

14. Robbie Gould - Uninspring, not unspectacular, he hasn't unmissed many kicks.

13. Rob Bironas - I should have ranked him lower. Oh well...no turning back.

12. Joe Nedney - Good for a field goal or two. Then there was that one time he kicked like twelve.

11. Jay Feely - The only kicker on this list to be the subject of an SNL sketch. Good money on Jani or Jeff Reed next.

10. Nick Folk - Whatever, kickers aren't human.

9. David Akers - He is ageless, is he not? He is. Let's skip ahead.

8. Mason Crosby

7. Lawrence Tynes

6. Nate Kaeding

5. Neil Rackers - Lost in the shuffle. This is more of a legacy pick. Like when Mike Greenberg picked Mo Rivera to win the Cy Young.

4. Adam Vinatieri - Legacy.

3. John Carney - The suspended dude (Garrett Hartley) isn't back yet. He is ripped by the way. Watch out, return teams.

2. Stephen Gostkowski - The apple of Peter King's eye. He is the salt of the earth and the period on Lord Tom Brady's touchdown sentence. For a second there, I turned into Bill Plaschke. Or I had a stroke, same effect.

1. Rian Lindell - Now here's what happens when you lose track of someone.

Comments (0)

Name

Email

Website

Title

Comment

smaller | bigger

Subscribe via email (registered users only)

Add Comment