Thankful Roster
Written by Chris Weathers   
Wednesday, 25 November 2009 19:42

It's the ho-hummiest.

lol

QB - DEN Kyle Orton: Kyle Orton is very, extremely very even, thankful to still have his spleen. Sure, it's enlarged.

Remember the day? September 24th, 2006: Football is being played by grown men. After several hits from the Carolina Panthers, Chris Simms' spleen just about splodes, requiring emergency surgery to keep him alive. Upon gaining wind of this, now teammate Kyle Orton posted this under the alias OoH SoO RaD.

Honorable Mention: Someone call Guinness Records, OAK QB Jamarcus Russell on turkey and its sleepy sauce may make for history's laziest human being. For which....he is thankful...I suppose.

RB - NYG Ahmad Bradshaw: Ahmad Bradshaw is thankful for the Playstation 2 Lego Batman Bundle. Feel free to do the research required to get that joke.

Honorable Mention: GB QB Aaron Rodgers? Yes. Because he is the best runningback on his team. Okay, this may be for giggles, but A-Rod has 44 carries for 242 yards and a 5.5 YPC clip. Meanwhile, Ryan Grant, who I stupidly traded Ricky Williams to acquire two weeks ago, averages 4.4 YPC. This is called cherrypicking. Cherrypicking with hate.

Aaron will eventually be thankful for crutches.

WR - DAL Roy Williams: Wide receiver Roy Williams is thankful for himself, for he is awesome. He is number one. What? What do you mean his numbers mirror Patrick Crayton's? OF VERY LITTLE IMPORTANCE, SIR.

Roy Williams is also thankful for the sidelines because, by definition, the sidelines are not the middle of the field. The middle of the field is a dark, mysterious place full of monsters and physics. That is not for Prince Roy.

Honorable Mention: I refuse to stress this enough. Dallas Cowboy wide receiver Roy Williams is thankful to not be anyone else but Dallas Cowboy wide receiver Roy Williams. He has a permanent seat at the Pro Bowl. In the stands. (oh snap + burn)

TE - OAK Zach Miller: Who would've imagined when analyzing six random teams the best player at a given skill position is on the Raiders! Huh? Huh? You imagine?

Do not argue Jason Witten with me. Miller has 20 less receptions than Witten but three more yards and one more touchdown. Why doesn't Jason Witten catch any crap? Because it's Thanksgiving? That's no excuse. This holiday is for smallpox enthusiasts.

COUNTERPOINT

Honorable Mention: Denver's Daniel Graham is thankful for making $3.2 million in 2009. His blocking skills are unparalleled. You know who else can block? Kevin Boss of the New York football Giants of the National Football League. He also has the ability to clasp the ball when it's headed in his direction. That's multitasking. He is thankful for making $460,000 in 2009. I wonder whose name will be called more Thursday night? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

K - DET Jason Hanson: Welcome to Jason Hanson's 18th season on the Detroit Lions. That's the span of:

-Three World War Twos (World Wars Two?)

-Eighteen Schmalkadic Wars

-3/4 Moldavian Magnate Wars

-3.6 Vellore Mutinies

You get the point. Or do you?

-2.25 Mau Mau Uprisings

-1.2857142857 repeating Angolan Wars of Independence

Jason Hanson is thankful for job security and getting to go home when the NFL season ends. (Sometimes before it even ends, depending on the opposing defense.)

Honorable Mention: Kickers aren't worth an honorable mention.

Team - Detroit Lions: Over the last five Thanksgiving games, the Detroit Lions have been outscored 179-62. HAPPY THANKSGIVING, RATINGS.

but seriously, don't choke to death or whatever



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