Dr. Hines Ward
Written by Chris Weathers   
Thursday, 03 December 2009 21:37

Should've played

9:00 AM

Dr. Ward: Good morning folks. How are you this morning?

Mrs. Smith: I'm doing well, Doctor Ward. Unfortunately, my daughter Suzy had a bit of a tumble at gymnastics practice and we're afraid she sprained her ankle.

Dr. Ward: .................and?

Suzy: It hurts. I twisted it bad.

Dr. Ward: ......I'm sorry. I am a little lost. Did you bring her to a doctor's office because she sprained her ankle?

Mrs. Smith: Well, I...yeah? Her coach even held her out of practice after it happened.

Dr. Ward: You don't always listen to the coaches, training staff, professionals, or even your own body. Amateur gymnastics, despite meaning nothing, should be at the top of her priorities. Here, let's see if she can walk.

Suzy: OW! STOP PUSHING ME!

Dr. Ward: Stop making me.

Mrs. Smith: Doctor Ward! She's just a ten-year-old girl!

Dr. Ward: When I was ten I stayed away from gangs and drugs and did my homework. My mother used to say "If you sprain your ankle I will give you spanking. Also, no dinner, video games or Ed Sullivan". Suzy here is obviously faking it so she can go out and join a gang and do drugs.

Mrs. Smith: We are leaving. Come on, Suzy.

Dr. Ward: Your daughter needs to put a jersey on, miss. Have a good day.

1:00 PM

Dr. Ward: Good afternoon folks. How are you doing this afternoon?

Mr. Gilroy: Well, bad news Doc! Looks like Bobby done broke his clavicle again!

Dr. Ward: Oh no, not again! Let me check and see who your doctor was the last time.....ah, I see, it was Doctor Vidal Sassoon. Probably wearing his pleated skirt and tube top no doubt, huh?

Mr. Gilroy: I'm sorry?

Dr. Ward: I spoke to your coach, Bobby. He says you were at practice all week. Is this true?

Bobby: Yessir

Dr. Ward: Case closed. My diagnosis is that he's faking. Thought you could get one over on me, your father, and God, did you Bobby? I became a doctor to protect the human race from the contamination of frail weaklings such as yourself. On your way out, if you could grab one of our complimentary jerseys and put it on, that would be great.

Mr. Gilroy: DOCTOR WARD! You're not even going to run any tests?

Dr. Ward: Oh sure. Bobby, could you tell me if this hurts?

Bobby: ...Okay?

*Doctor Ward turns to Mr. Gilroy and punches him square in the face*

Mr. Gilroy: We are leaving, come on Bobby.

4:00 PM

Dr. Ward: Good evening folks. How are you doing this evening?

Mr. Hargis: Good evening, Doctor Ward. My HMO says I can get this cast off, and boy howdy I cannot wait to get it off.

Dr. Ward: Actually, Mr. Hargis, there's been a change of plans.....I'm recommending amputation of the leg.

Mr. Hargis: BUT WA-WA-WA-WHY? IT DONE HEALED!

Dr. Ward: In my clinical opinion, you are wussing out, and 86 years old or not, I don't have patience for wussity wussbags. I have doctored with a broken leg, and you'd never see me running to another doctor crying like a fetus. And you're lucky I was convinced to spare the other leg. Those are two usable legs you have there, and if you don't want them, I have plenty of uses for them, like berating practice.

Mr. Hargis: We are leaving, come on cast.

8:00 PM

Dr. Johnson: Doctor Ward, what do you make of Mr. Hargis' blood work? I see some significant abnormalities. The MCH is way out of range.

Dr. Ward: Yeah, I saw that. Look closer. He has an elevated eosinophil percentage, which definitely means he eats full baby diapers for breakfast. Also, his DNA is actually that of a woman, a woman who watches General Hospital and crochets until she gets blisters. These blisters cause Mr./Mrs. Hargis to cry uncontrollably and unforgivably.

Dr. Johnson: ....Uh huh...say Dr. Ward, what medical school did you attend?

Dr. Ward: The School of HARD KNOCKS BOYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

*fin*



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